...I Was A Teenage Fag-Hag

The story of a NYU student struggling to survive in a world where the shoes are pricey, the IDs are fake, and straight men don't seem to exist.
Saturday, May 04, 2002
I'm going to see David Bowie on August 16! I'M GOING TO SEE BOWIE!!!!!!

Friday, May 03, 2002
Scott got two tickets for The Crucible tonight, and apparently the second one is meant for me. Hm... There's no way I'm missing a free play with Liam Neeson in it, but I have to wonder why the hell he asked me. Aren't we technically over and done with?
God, I love Pop Rocks!!! Graham, you simply have to come visit me so I can take you there; you'll get more eye candy than you could in four years at Berkeley. I went with Alisha and we met Stephen there - it was the first time I've gone dancing with him since Miami (Club 609... yech). He's such a responsible clubber, with his sobriety and his little earplugs, but he's so much fun to dance with. I get a kick out of the fact that even though he was there with his own friends, he spent 90% of the time dancing with ME. I'm so posessive of my gay friends... does that make me a fag-hag? Considering the title of this journal, it probably does. I wonder what I'm going to do next February when I turn twenty. Two decades on this earth... that sounds so old to me. What a weird society, where I can be a minor and still feel like I'm getting over the hill. Speaking of old people, Brad never returned my message. Maybe he thought I was playing hard-to-get when I didn't call him back for such a long time? I'm not having much luck with the dating game recently.

I decided to stick around for a while after Stephen and Alisha went home, mostly because I wanted to dance with my new gay object of affection, Joaquin. He's a great dancer, but not in that flamboyant "don't get in the way of my flailing arms" way that so many guys there are, and he might actually be more attractive than Van... in a different way, of course. We played a game where we wagered on guys who looked like they might be straight, then both went up to dance with them to see which one of us they were more interested in. Joaquin won most of the time, naturally. There was one straight guy who hit on me several times during the night, starting when I first got there and was waiting in line for the bathroom. I assumed at first that he was gay and just being nice by offering me cigarettes and such, but then he found me upstairs later and started dancing with me in a decidedly straight manner. I didn't really mind, since he was quite good-looking, but he rudely cut between me and my fruitier dance partners during a good song. I got complimented more than usual tonight - Pop Rocks has such a good vibe! I feel silly saying that, since it's only a step away from P.L.U.R. (Peace, Love, Unity, Respect, for those of you who never hung out with candy ravers), but it's so true.

I'm tempted to go to Kurfew tomorrow night, but it would be stupid and irresponsible of me to go out three nights in a row when I have a major paper due on Monday about Kiss of the Spider Woman. Exit might happen on Saturday, though - I believe I have plans to meet up with Dave and go there at some point. He called me several times today to let me know that he couldn't come to the city tonight, apologizing for "standing you up." What the hell? I didn't even remember that we were going to do something... and if we did, it certainly wasn't set in stone. Why is it that this cute, smart, chivalrous guy is putting everything out there for me, but when I'm in the shower I think about the cute, sexist, Republican guy who blows me off? I feel like such a cliche for being attracted to assholes.

It's definitely time for bed... I need to be productive tomorrow! Yeah, right.

Wednesday, May 01, 2002
Tonight was my last film class of the semester, and in an abrupt departure from Martin Scorsese and co., we screened Su Friedrich's Hide and Seek, a film about how little girls gradually gain awareness of their sexuality. I personally think that every woman, lesbian or not, should watch it - it made me remember events in my own childhood that I'd completely forgotten about, like the game I used to play with my friend Jane in my playhouse...

This is a good week for star-sightings: I went to Kmart with Alisha and we saw Molly Ringwald in the checkout line. Why bother paying $50 to see Cabaret when you can just go to the drugstore?
The Exit outing did not go as planned. I knew I was going to get screwed over before the night really began, because we only had enough flyers to get two people into the club for free. I put myself on the guestlist, naturally, but it was still $25. The clubs in the city like to rape my wallet... or my credit card, to be more precise. In addition to this, we only had three pills to split between four people, which might have been enough if we had taken Jane's suggestion and done something other than swallow them, but everyone was either lazy or impatient. As I mentioned in my last entry I was really looking forward to rolling with those two girls, but their friend (and our dealer) Cyrus was joining us and I took an immediate dislike to him. He's one of those aggressive intellectual types who likes to talk passionately about topics that no one outside of his literature department cares about, and to top it off his clubbing gear consisted of cargo pants and some sort of ugly sandals. I found out when we got to the club that Junior Vasquez wasn't coming on until 6 AM, which I was perfectly willing to wait around for. Unfortunately my companions weren't, so we popped our pills only half an our after we got inside. I was just beginning to feel a little happy when Skye started overheating in the crowd and freaked out, insisting that she be taken home... so I never got to see JV at all. We ended up just hanging out in her room in a mellow coming-down state for several hours, listening to music and giving hand massages. She apologized excessively for ruining the night, and I don't blame her at all, but I'm still irritated that I spent almost $40 total for a whole lot of nothing. So let's recap the weekend: No hot guys in uniforms (except for Skye's ex-boyfriend, who is definitely off-limits), no sex, no rolling, no JV, and no money. Damnit. I think I've learned my lesson about going to big clubs - every time I go out in a group, something happens and I have to forfeit my fun to be a good friend. The best nights I've ever had clubbing, excluding Pop Rocks and that one night at Limelight with Arielle, Vicky and Alana, were when I went all by myself. Heaven in London and those two nights at Twilo come to mind. Everyone always asks me why I would want to go out by myself, but it's not lonely at all, because it's so much easier to talk to people when I'm not already bound to a friend.

Although my cell phone display still reads "Fuck the Navy!" I have reconciled with Jason... sort of. I saw him online on Sunday and IMed him with a giant shouty face to express my anger at being stood up, then proceeded to tell him what an asshole he is. His initial response was to turn into even more of an asshole, although he eventually apologized... probably insincerely, but whatever. Here are some excerpts from our entertaining (and very long) conversation:

Jason: I seem to recall someone telling me we weren't going to do what we planned a long time ago.....and then I seem to recall someone bragging about how she had control and she loved being in control, so then I decided to be in control and say ok......I guess I will take her control away by partying with my boys instead and picking up lots of random girls
Jason: so it looks like i was in control after all
Jason: hahaha
Vivian: You could have made that shorter by just saying, "I'm an asshole."
Jason: You were on a power trip
Jason: you shouldn't be so cocky, someone might put you back in your place
Jason: ahemmmm......that someone being me.
Vivian: I'm not sure I understand why it's "cocky" to not commit myself to fucking someone.
Vivian: It's no fun if everything is pre-arranged anyway.


Vivian: Any luck?
Jason: There are some things you just dont talk about
Vivian: oh really
Jason: yes oh really
Vivian: All of a sudden you're honorable?
Jason: ok, dont ever question my honor
Vivian: Yessir.
Vivian: *salutes*
Jason: ok, and you wonder why i "stood you up"
Vivian: Why, 'cause I'm a bitch?
Vivian: Or because I don't take the concept of military integrity seriously?
Jason: no because you say things like you just did or take that approach towards me....ok whatever....you dont have to take the military seriously just remember that the military is the lifestyle that i live.....and that it is the military that has protected this country from other entities that would take away your right to believe in whatever you chose
Jason: so think about that and think about who you are talking to before you open your mouth and degrade my lifestyle
Jason: thank you for your opinion though.....you are entitled to it
Vivian: Ok, the comment about being honorable was not degrading your lifestyle, it was a joke.
Vivian: Not everything sarcastic that I say is related to you being in the military.
Jason: actually you were degrading me by implying or insinuating that i have no personal integrity or honor
Jason: i.e. Vivian (10:05:01 PM): *salutes*
Vivian: The intended meaning of my comment was this:
Vivian: I found it funny that you were too honorable to tell me about the girls you hooked up with, but not too honorable to ditch a girl because she said she might not sleep with you.
Vivian: It seemed a bit contradictory.
Jason: no....it was not because you would not sleep with me.....and yes that would be contradictory if that was the reason why.....you were being too controlling.....i did not want to deal with that and then you didn't want to go to the clubs that me and my friends wanted to go to, so it was a culmination of things that helped me come to my decision
Jason: but the bottom line is.......
Jason: I should have called
Jason: YES
Jason: I am an ASSHOLE for that
Vivian: Ok, thank you.
Jason: I apologize
Vivian: accepted


Jason: you are such a tease
Vivian: It would only be teasing if you didn't get any at the end of the night.
Vivian: Which you would have.
Jason: you butthead
Vivian: You have to learn to deal with fun girly games! It's part of the package!
Jason: well if you didn't play fun girly games.....you would have gotten my package
Vivian: Send it to me via air mail and I'll see if I want it...
Jason: hahaha
Vivian: If I do, I'll keep it in my underwear drawer for those lonely nights.
Jason: oh trust me you will want this package......but i will have to hand carry it, so maybe if YOU are lucky I will give you the package sometime in the future
Jason: :-P
Vivian: Ok honey... I hand you the power. I'm here until May 15.
Jason: wow........you are really handing me the power????
Vivian: Yes. Dominate me. :-)
Jason: hahaha
Jason: dominate you huh
Vivian: yeah baby

So we're basically in the same place we were before this weekend... I'm curious to see if he (and his package) are really all that, and if he can actually make my "head blow off," as he so eloquently claimed a few months ago. But a tinge of animosity is still there, and the mixture of malice and wanting to fuck him is kind of... sexy.

I got the extension I so badly needed for my Kiss of the Spider Woman paper, but with finals approaching my week is still going to be hectic. I was supposed to go to a play tonight with friends from my honors group (we get comps for being smart), but the timing was bad and none of us could make it. Hopefully we'll be able to schedule a dinner or something so we can all get together before the end of the school year - I saw Vicky on campus today and she seemed to think it's a good idea.

Changing all the names of the people I mention was getting too taxing on my imagination, so I'm giving up... I'll fix the ones in the previous entries to avoid any confusion.


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